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I spent the
next day preparing a syllabus, writing out which questions
would be asked by the fake investors during our IRC meeting.
While I did this, Trazir hyped the fuck out of the
get-together which would be occurring later that night. This
would be a true test of our skills as scammers, an
intellectual battle to the death, winner takes all, and I
would have to be ready. I then logged into Eve for the first
time in a week and spent the afternoon recruiting newbies into
ZZZZ Best, since half of the originals had already left, and a
9 member corporation doesn’t look too secure if you’re
considering a multi-million credit investment.
By the time 7:30 rolled around, ZZZZ Best was back up to 15
members. Not as high as I would have liked it, but for the
time, it would have to suffice. I logged out of Eve, glad to
be away from the abysmally ugly starter ship, and dialed
Trazir.
Trazir: “Hello?”
Me: “The meeting starts in 25 minutes. You ready?”
Trazir: “Yeah. You should start logging your clients into the
IRC. Get it? CLIENTS?”
Me: “Man, that’s terrible. Go on AIM, I’ll send you the text
file for what the fake accounts will say and what our
responses will be. You can give the opening statement which is
all written out, and then we’ll start fielding questions.”
Trazir: “Okay, but let’s not talk on the phone during the
meeting. I can’t type and speak at the same time, and my ear
is already starting to hurt.”
Me: “All right. Go into IRC, I’ll see you there.”
I hung up the phone and messaged HardHead, telling him that
the meeting would start soon. He assured me that he would be
there.
Aside from me, Trazir, and the fake investors, the IRC channel
felt more abandoned than a ghost town, and it was just 5
minutes until the meeting began.
<Trazir> What the hell? Didn’t you say there would be like 10
prospects in here?
<Me> Give them time, it still isn’t 8 yet.
I entered into all the major Eve Online channels in the server
and respectably spammed the location of our meeting. I was
banned from #Eve-Pirates, but I never liked those fuckers
anyway.
And all of a sudden, just like the Persians at Thermopylae,
they came. They came harder than Peter North on a stacked
blonde. We built it, my friends, and they came.
HardHead was the first to enter. Following him was a guy named
Thoggins who had the attitude of a perpetually pissed-off
pitbull and the bank account of a Fortune 500 CEO. Several
inconsequential people arrived after him, and then came my new
friend Magnulus, along with several officers of his
corporation. I snickered at the fact that a big corporate man
actually took this deal seriously. The last important person
to enter was a guy called Jorpho, a big-time ship manufacturer
who was notorious for his hatred of pirates. I had a feeling
we would get along.
The meeting proceeded wonderfully. Trazir read my introduction
word for word, and we fielded the pre-written investor
questions. By the 15 minute mark, I was fairly certain that
every prospective investor in the room was unequivocally
dazzled.
Suddenly, something strange happened. Thoggins decided that it
would be a good idea to message one of the fake investors with
questions of his own; questions for which I had little
appreciation.
<Thoggins> Hey, what’s the deal with this Nightfreeze guy
anyway? I’ve never heard of him before, and all of a sudden
he’s fronting 1.125 billion isk. It seems sorta fishy to me.
<Fake Investor> Yeah, I know what you mean. I felt that way
too when I first got into this deal, but I’ve had many
conversations with him and run several trade routes with him.
Hell, I’ve even talked to him on the phone. He’s a trustworthy
guy.
<Thoggins> Hmm… okay. That doesn’t change the fact though that
his name is gayer than Christopher Lowell, lol.
I gritted my teeth as I felt my blood pressure starting to
rise.
<Fake Investor> Hehe, yeah.
<Thoggins> Tell me more about your phone conversation, I might
be interested in that. If this guy fucks me over, I can just
spam his number repeatedly.
<Fake Investor> Well, we were talking one night on AIM, and I
told him that, while I trusted him and all, I wasn’t sure if I
could go through with the payment. He asked me for my phone
number and called me up, and we had a nice long conversation
about it. Then he gave me his number and told me I could call
him any time I wanted to. That was when I knew it, Nightfreeze,
despite having a dumb name, is one of the most honest people
I’ve ever met.
<Thoggins> Okay, but what’s his number?
<Fake Investor> I’d like to give it to you, but I’m not sure
if he would want me to. I’m sure that if you asked him, he
would give it. Sorry ;p.
After about 35 minutes, the fake investors’ questions had run
dry. Now it was the prospective investors’ turn to speak. To
my delight, none of them had any questions; all their concerns
and fears had been answered, and my closing statement drove
the stake in all the way.
<Nightfreeze> As you esteemed investors may know, the total
amount of capital placed in this blueprint pool is now at a
total of 625 million isk. We are more than halfway to our goal
of the best damn ship in the game, and it is because of all of
you. I will be sending out my nightly email to each of you
saying where your standing is in the investment pool, and by
what day you will receive your blueprint copy. As for you
prospective investors, I would implore you to act quickly and
invest before somebody else does; this pool has only been in
existence for a week, and it is already more than halfway
towards its lofty goal. Since none of you appear to have any
further questions, I will stay on for 15 more minutes in case
you have any private concerns you would like to message me
with. I can’t stay on for any longer though, because I need to
put my daughter to sleep ;p. You can also contact me any time
at [Contact Info].
Note: I do not have a daughter. (That I know of)
My family man image had been placed, and something told me
that each and every one of those prospective investors was
ensnared. Moments later, I received a message from Thoggins.
<Thoggins> Nice meeting, but I’d like to talk to you in person
before I invest my money. Can I call you sometime?
<Me> Sure you can. My wife is on the phone with the bank right
now, she’s been on for 45 minutes already and I don’t think
she’ll be off any time soon. I’ll be on AIM tomorrow around
noon, why don’t you contact me then and we’ll talk further.
Note: I do not have a wife. (That I know of)
<Thoggins> You’d better be on, or I’m not investing a dime.
Understood?
If Thoggins were an ant colony, I would kick him over, flood
him, burn him, then crucify his eggs right after they hatched.
<Me> Yup.
At the same time Thoggins messaged me, I also received a
message from HardHead.
<HardHead> I’ve been thinking about it, and… I’m gonna go
ahead and do it. I’ll invest. I’m tired of mining, you know?
It seems like this deal is the only way for me to get a
blueprint I’d need to build battleships. And that would be a
very profitable venture too.
<Me> That’s great to hear man. I can honestly say that of all
the people who are investing in this, you and Trazir are my
best friends. I’ve known you for months now in Eve, and
without you loaning me that starting money, I wouldn’t be
where I am right now. Because of that, I’ll give you a
discount; you probably know that anybody who invests 120
million or over gets a fully upgraded blueprint copy after all
the investors have received their first copies. Well, I’ll
bring that level down. For you, 80 million.
<HardHead> Hmm…. That sounds good to me. Can I wire the money
now?
<Me> Let’s do it tomorrow. I’m about to go tuck my daughter
into bed. Have a good night.
<HardHead> You too.
I logged off. My conscience didn’t bother me a bit.
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