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"Okay," Trazir
said, "send the money over to my new character, bro."
I stared at the balance long and hard. 480,000,000. I was lost
in thought, imagining all the possibilities that half a
billion credits would bring me. Images of splendor and
prosperity flashed in my head, rapid fire. I would be the
commander of a fleet of battleships, and a harem of beautiful
women would fawn over me every second of the day. And even if
I were to die, they would resort to having lesbian sex with
each other in front of my 40 foot shrine, forever worshipping
my wealth in this life and beyond. The CEOs of the largest
corporations and the GMs of the biggest servers would heel
before my command, and I would have absolute dominion over
every last atom in the universe.
I would be God.
"Dude? Come on, send it over."
I couldn't hear him. I didn't WANT to hear him. The money was
mine, wasn't it? It was my idea, wasn't it? What the hell had
Trazir done this entire time, other than write a few message
board posts? Why should he be deserving of my hard earned
profits?
"Um.... Hello? Are you there?"
"Yeah, I'm here."
I wanted to tear out his vocal chords and throw them out the
window. I wanted to hear him scream for mercy, and say that I
could have all the credits for myself. I wanted a lot of
things.
"So, you gonna wire those credits any time soon, or am I just
going to have to come over there and make you send them? I
really want that money man, come on, tell me you're gonna send
it."
"FINE!" I put 1 isk in the wire transfer box, and hit send.
"Very funny. MAN, COME ON, SEND THE FUCKING MONEY."
He was being roused from his normally copacetic state. Trazir
was a big guy, and I had seen him before many a time under
alcohol-induced rages. There was nothing scarier to me at that
moment than a six and a half foot heavy-set man whose temper
had been left at home. I placed 179,999,999 of my hard-earned
isk of my in the wire transfer box and sent it. My heart sunk.
"Awesome! Now that's what I'm talkin' about man. Thanks!"
I had just been extorted to the tune of about $1000. No
matter; I would doubtlessly make it back and more with the 300
million isk I currently possessed. I slipped back into fantasy
mode, only this time, something wasn't quite right. I had my
own battleship, only this time, there was no fleet. There was
no harem of beautiful women wanting to jump my bones at any
given moment of the day; instead, there was only one
moderately attractive girl who seemed kind of interested in
me. CEOs viewed me with respect and a touch of admiration, but
the Gamemasters looked down upon all of us contemptuously.
"Hey, can you send that money back for a second? I need to see
it again, for, uh, corporate.... purposes. Come on, just let
me see it, one last time."
"FUCK NO! Do you think I'm stupid or something?" He laughed,
and continued on. "Listen man, you have no idea how happy this
makes me. But I've gotta go eat dinner now. We can talk
later." Click.
I stared, empty, into the far reaches of space. The newbie NPC
trainer was repeatedly messaging my new character with
instructions about how to play the game, filling my inbox to
the brink with annoying, pointless messages. I readied my
starter laser and fired a pitiful shot at the trainer; his
shield integrity was down to 99%.
The police wasted no time. Three cruisers were on me within
seconds, and the very sight of them must have caused my newbie
ship to quiver in fear and spontaneously combust, because nary
a shot was fired before I respawned at the closest base,
pod-death and all. Although I had the money, there was nothing
fun I could do with it. My character had minimal skills and
therefore could only pilot the shittiest of ships. It would be
months before he would be sufficiently trained to pilot a
battleship. In RPG weapon terms, my current ship was a rusty
dagger, and the best ship I would be able to fly was an aging
kitchen knife. I logged off Eve, and watched my desktop; my
eyes wavered to the Trillian shortcut, but quickly averted
themselves. I knew that if I entered any messaging programs, I
would be quickly and brutally raped. My fragile emotional
state was at stake.
I opened it anyway.
Ackbar's 3 holy words resonated through my brain as each
program opened up. Thoggins was the first.
Thoggins: Tell me something, Nightfreeze, WHY haven't you
picked up the phone yet? AFRAID? I knew you would do something
like this, you fucking scumbag. FUCK YOU!
Nightfreeze: Thoggins! My dear old friend, how are you doing
this eve? How's the girlfriend? Oh wait, you don't have a
girlfriend. You don't even have any money, because your ass
just got scammed. Doesn't it taste good? Bitch.
Thoggins: I swear to god, if I ever find you in real life, I
will beat the everliving piss out of you, YOU LITTLE SHIT.
Nightfreeze: Thoggins, my good man, why do continue to accost
me? You gave me your money, fair and square, remember?
Hahahahaahahahahahahahhahahah.
Thoggins: Guess what, asshole? I was one of the earliest
hackers in the 1980s. I KNEW Kevin Mitnick. Phone Phreaking is
as secondary to me as skullfucking your daughter. I'm going to
keep calling your house, OVER AND OVER, and the phone company
will NEVER be able to trace the call. You're going down.
I had had quite enough of Thoggins. I promptly clicked on the
"block" button and prayed for the innocent voyeurs browsing
the erotica section who would pick up the phone and be
confronted by a screaming man threatening to kill for stealing
his money. Oh well, shit happens.
Neither Magnulus nor Jorpho had queried me yet, so I took the
intiative by sending them both the same note and blocking
them.
Me: Hi there, buddy! I'd like to thank you from the bottom of
my heart for investing in the official ZZZZ Best Apocalypse
Blueprint Pool. Unfortunately, a group of pirating ruffians
ran off with the credits you so faithfully endowed to my
organization. Since there was no insurance clause in the
contract, I'm afraid that your investment is now gone forever.
If you would like more information about my company, and a
possible chance for reimbursement, go to google and do a
search for ZZZZ Best. Cheers!
Suddenly, he messaged me. The useless one.
HardHead: Hey man, Thoggins has been telling all of us that
you took the money and ran. He's wrong, isn't he? I've known
you for months now man, I mean, hell, you have a family and
everything, I know you wouldn't do something like that. So
what's up? Why does it say "Character Doesn't Exist" when I
try to send you messages in Eve?
Nightfreeze: Hello friend! I'm gonna write something, so tell
me, are you reading closely?
HardHead: Yeah. What is it?
Nightfreeze: I just scammed the fuck out of you.
Hardhead: ......
HardHead: But why? Why would you do something like this? I
THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS.
HardHead: Hell man, I LOANED YOU MONEY. I just don't
understand, how could you DO THIS TO ME?
HardHead: Jesus Christ... I don't even know how to respond...
I hate to say it, but man, I'm almost crying right now.
HardHead: I don't think I'll ever be able to trust another
person again. Thanks man. Thanks.
*HardHead Logs Off*
There was nothing left for me in the barren wasteland of
online chatting. I followed HardHead's example, and dismissed
myself for the night.
My eyelids trembled as if they felt the vast cyclic movement
of the earth and her watchers, trembled as if they felt the
felt the strange light of some new world. Sunshine streamed
through the window, and the shackles of duty slowly began to
fall with each gradual upward movement of my torso. I leapt
out of bed and stood straight, high, free! Eve was nothing
more than a faded memory to me now; the world was calling me,
and my soul was leaping at the call, to live, to err, to fall,
to triumph, to recreate life out of life!
"ENOUGH OF THIS DAMNED GAME!!" I shouted, my booming voice
causing a freshly awoken dog to begin howling at the day. I
jogged to my computer and started Eve Online. I flew my
starter ship out to the closest asteroid field and struck up a
conversation with a player named Frosttt.
Me: Hi. What would you say if I were to offer you 300 million
isk?
Frosttt: id say it was pretty kool lol
I wired the credits to him and logged off.
I never logged back in again.
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